Pap would have been 85 today. I didn’t plan to write anything about his birthday this year, but here I am writing about him as tears roll down my face. I’ve discovered that’s how grief works.
For the last good bit I’ve been amazed at how thinking about Pap no longer hurts much. It’s become easier and easier to think about him being gone, talk of him in the past tense. Recently as I studied on that fact I wondered if I’d somehow lost part of my connection to him.
In the days after he died I was overwhelmed with grief I could barely eat, barely get through the day without crying. I longed to go to bed and sleep, but when night finally came I’d lay there and relive the last night of Pap’s life over and over in my head. Trying to remember everything he told me during that night. Trying to forget the sound of him falling when he died.
After those first days came a weird detachment. I’d find myself wondering if he was really real or if he was an imaginary man that we all dreamed up. It was a strange feeling. When it got to be too much I’d repeat the stories of my life, of my brothers’ lives, and prove to myself he was indeed real.
What brought grief back to me today was a Colter Wall song. I’ve heard it before, always liked it, but somehow today it shouted of Pap.
My friend’s Daddy died about a year after Pap. Several months after his death she called me from the flea market crying. Said she’d seen a pocket knife and it immediately brought the death of her daddy to the surface of her emotions.
The song that brought my loss of Pap to visit speaks of a place I’ve never been, but has some of the themes Pap lived by.
Hope. Pap’s hope came from his great faith in God, but he shared it freely with us and taught us to use hope to our advantage. For a life without hope isn’t worth much. Whether it was an eternal hope, hope for a better job, for money to pay a bill, for something to work out for his children—he lived hope in front of us and encouraged us to grab hold of it.
Gratefulness. Pap taught my brothers and me to be grateful. Grateful for what we had even though it might not compare with what others had. Grateful for the love our family shared that was above and beyond worldly riches.
The Colter Wall song, “Cowpoke,” tells the story of a cowboy. Pap worked in California for a time before being drafted. He hitchhiked there and back so he got to see some of the beauty of the west up close and personal. He enjoyed reading and watching westerns.
Although different in many ways, the pioneer spirit Pap had from the life he lived here in the mountains of Appalachia certainly shares a few similarities with the life of a cowpoke.
Because he loved westerns we all did! From Gun Smoke to Lonesome Dove to Zane Grey.
I remember when I was a young adult I read all the old classic westerns. Pap re-read them since I had them laying around. We had great conversations about the plots, the landscapes, the heroes who only needed a rasher of bacon, a hidden canyon, and a pot of coffee to recover and win the day.
Chitter went through the same phase I did. She read westerns and headed down to Pap’s to talk to him about it. They decided Zane Grey’s “Lost Wagon Train” was one of their favorites.
Like lots of folks Pap had a chair he claimed for his own and as his medical problems became more serious he sat in it more and more. Whenever you walked into the living-room you’d expect him to be sitting there in the green plaid recliner. The day he died Paul slept in his chair.
In the weeks and month’s afterward I think we all looked at the chair and thought about Pap not being in it. Sometimes I gave it a pat when I’d walk behind it to go to the bathroom or get something for Granny from one of the back rooms. More than once I saw the girls give it a good sniff trying to catch a whiff of Pap’s unique smell which was a mixture of Listerine, Vitalis, and coffee.
One day when I came in from work Chitter told me she’d been inspired to compose a song about Pap. She said she was sitting in his chair and the tune just came to her. She named it “Spider Web Canyon” because the canyon played a role in “Lost Wagon Train.”
Although I didn’t mean to write anything about today being Pap’s birthday I’m glad I did. My tears are dried and I’ve reminded myself of Pap’s hope in the Lord and in life, of his grateful encouraging spirit, and of his great love for the cowboys who rode the range in much the same way as Pap walked the mountain ridges that he called home.
To hear the Colter Wall song go here.
To hear Chatter’s original song inspired by Pap go here.
Last night’s video: Alex Stewart Portrait of a Pioneer 9.
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Oh, Tipper, what lovely words about your daddy. I realized in a video, here while back, that your momma and my daddy are the same age. Well, I just now realized that your daddy and mine share the same birthday. Daddy turned 82 this past July 16. As his health declines at a faster pace now it seems (he says he feels as though he’s aged 10 years during this last one), I realize all too soon that memories, and the hope of eternal life, are all of my daddy I will have to hold on to. Thank you for sharing about your family, and heritage, on your blog and youtube channel!
Angela-love that they have the same birthday 🙂 I hope he does well for a good long time!!
Tipper you have a remarkable ability to describe how you feel about things. Not many people have that. With time passing since the death of my parents I find that I can think of them in a much more pleasant way. I think about and enjoy the happy times I had with them and not become overwhelmed with grief. You are fortunate to have so many videos of him. Of course I did not know him but you can tell he was a fine man because of how much his family and other people loved him. It is great to have wonderful memories of loved ones that has passed on. Dennis Morgan
Precious memories, how they linger. Such sweet words about your Pap. Memories are all I have too. I lost my Dad at age 14.
Vicky-thank you for the comment! So sorry you lost your daddy way to soon.
Tipper,
Hugs for you as you remember your Pap. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. Anyone who has lost a loving parent has felt what you feel. Love and hugs, Brenda
Lovely, Heartfelt Homage. Whenever I smell pipe smoke, I tear up, thinking of my grandad immediately. & its weird because he didn’t smoke for most of my later childhood/into adulthood. I have a hat of his that still has a tiny bit of his pipe smoke, Old Spice, smell. My other grandfather, I spent far less time with, as he had 10 kids and gads of grands. He also died much younger. He smelled like cheap cigars & ben gay. He did such a physical job that I think he must have been in pain alot. My grandmother always smelled like a special powder that she used, Palmolive, hand lotion, & dial soap. She was such a fine lady. It is smells that take me back. They’ve all been gone many years now, but I am still moved to tears when thinking about them & their lives.
I lost my Daddy in 2001 at 74 yeats of age. I lost Mama in 2016 at 91 years of age. After several years, I can say that your parents always live within you. They have just moved to another room.
Donna,
I love this analogy. I lost both my parents in the past 4 years.Mom at 84 and Daddy at 92. I know how blessed I was to have them into my 60’s. I feel their presence every single day. It is true; they have moved to another room.
What a beautiful tribute to your Dad. My Dad loves all things western too. He has 100’s of western books and could watch the old movies over and over. He turned 81 on his last birthday. He doesn’t live where I do so I don’t get to see him as much as I would like too. I wish everyday he lived next door.
Such a beautiful way to honor your Pap is to write about him. He may be gone from this earth, but he’s forever in your heart. I listen to the tune Katie wrote. It was beautiful and all the pictures added to it’s beauty.
Rarely am I the first to comment, but here goes.
Tipper, there is a process by which the human brain creates a substance that allows us to have time perspective in our thoughts. It’s what allows us to know that we parked our car in a different spot at Ingles today than we did yesterday. I don’t know how it works, but I’ve read about. I can’t remember the name of the compound. I think it acts like an inhibitor to certain synaptical connections which allows us to have the good memories of loved ones without always having the pain of remembering their loss. Sometimes something happens that triggers a different neural pathway that will connect both, as with the case of you friend at the flea market. In some people, this process is blocked or defective which explains why some people have PTSD and others don’t even though they were in identical situations with identical threats and identical losses of dear comrades.
So, cherish you memories of Pap and shed a tear when you feel like it without feeling any regret for either.
God Bless you and keep you and all dear to you!
I’m sending you hugs across the way. My Dad went to Heaven in 2002, you are right. Our hope is in knowing that we will see them again. I can’t wait until the time I can hug him and my Mom again. To know that we’ll be reunited with our earthly families and our heavenly family for all eternity is a comforting thing. It still hurts to miss them, here, though. It’s hard to be an orphan even as an adult. There’s a real hurt and longing there when things happen we want to share. It is amazing to know that Jesus understands those feelings completely. I am so grateful for that. ❤️
I’ve spent about 2 1/2 hours with BP&A this morning. I don’t think there is anything that Alex Stewart couldn’t have done! Wonderful to listen to you read. // My daddy turned 84 July 12th. I’m still here in NC, but over 3 hours away from where i grew up in Appalachia. When i drive there, every 2 or 3 months, one thing i enjoy most is watching Gunsmoke, or Cheyenne, or any western with my Dad. Your talks of your Paps ways and teachings and sayings always cause me to reflect and be thankful that I’ve been blessed with the same from my own Father. I’m glad you wrote about your Paps Birthday today, too. Continue to have a bountiful Summer!
Tipper, thank you for sharing your thoughts on Pap’s birthday. I know how bad it must hurt you. I understand Chitter & Chatter sniffing Pap’s chair for his distinct smell. I always told my 2 children that if I was blind I could find them by their distinct sweet smell. After my son was killed in a car accident 11 yrs ago, I could just be working in the yard or the house & get a whiff of my son out of the blue. It would knock the breathe out of me for a few minutes with a horrible wave of grief & at the same time I would think he was visiting me. But, I don’t believe in such things. I no longer get that whiff of my son. I used to tell my son & daughter that if something ever happened to them I would be a vegetable. Now I can say I am half a vegetable & the other half of me gives love & adoration for my precious sweet daughter. My grandfather always smelled like snuff, hay & peanuts, and I had a very special love for him. Tipper, one day we will get to see our loved ones again but in meantime ….. it’s a tough row to hoe.
You make me think, ‘How would I want to be grieved?’ The quick answer is, I don’t want to be grieved but rather missed. But I don’t want the missing to hurt but instead be good memories. Your all’s kind of good memories is what I would hope to leave behind. They will not be nearly as enduring as the stones but they are by far the best memorial.
I never knew either of my grandfathers. I know where their stones are and I have seen the inscriptions. But there is no relationship behind them. There may not be any living now who knew either of them. I do know they were loved.
People may pass on, but they leave their mark on the people they love: family, friends, community. They’re still around where ever you look.
I got hooked on Colter Wall when I heard, ‘The Devil Wears A Suit and Tie’. He has a unique sound.
Oh how I would have loved Pap. You are so blessed to have had a wonderful dad. I so enjoy the videos you have of Pap singing. What a treasure. Our hope is in the Lord and one day you will be with him again. Take care and God bless
Tipper, As you remember Pap today on his 85th birthday, we (hubby & I) are remembering him too. No, I never had the pleasure of knowing him personally. Through your descriptive words, you shared him with us and we feel we know him just as surely as if we had known him personally. I’ve reread some of the posts you’ve made about him over the years and yep, that’s the man we’ve come to know as Pap.
Speaking of living on hope, I’ve also had that experience through my daddy. He always hoped things would turn out right and good for us no matter what we were aspiring to do. He hoped and had faith the money would come in sometimes to pay the bills when money was tight. He taught me to hope and have faith when it seemed all things were stacked against me. I must say most times things have worked out right. He was also a Christian and lived it in word and deed.
Yesterday, the 15th of July was the day 25 years ago my daddy left this earth for his eternal home. The grief never really goes away, I can just talk about him now and relate things he said or did back in the day without crying.. sometimes. I still miss him terribly. He was one week from his 80th birthday when he passed away. Btw.. he was also a great Zane Grey fan. His favorite book was Riders of the Purple Sage. He gave me his love for reading.
I’ve had those feelings after my Mother and Father passed, and still cry at times, out of the blue, but I stand firm on the Faith they believed in. Mother would have been 106 this past Thursday. My parents growing up years were filled with a lot of reading books and Zane Grey was one of the author’s they enjoyed. If I watch any television, I find myself watching Wagon Train, old westerns or the Waltons.
Hi Tipper, it’s good for you to talk about Pap. We humans heal in different ways. I had an Uncle who told me that he experienced strange things for about 6 months after his Father passed. Glad your tears dried and you can move forward. I feel sorry for people who have no hope, I am glad Pap shared his hope with his family. God bless.
Time does ease the pain of losing someone but it never completely goes away. I had a hard time looking at mom and dad’s pictures after they died. My healing started as soon as I forced myself to look through the photo albums and see their smiling faces. I am glad to hear that it is getting easier for you to talk about Pap in the past tense.
Avoiding dealing with death is one of the worst cheats you can do to yourself. My mother lost her mother to a horrible cancer, when my mom was 17. My gramma left behind 10 kids, the youngest being 8. My aunt that was 8, just blocked the whole thing out & literally does not remember the death of her mother. My grandparents tried to hide the fact that she was dying until the very end. My mom refuses to talk about her mother AT ALL. Their father died about 11 yrs later & my mother will not talk about him either. No reminisces, no factual info. I grew up a ‘grandkid orphan’ on that side. My mom cut off all contact with most of her siblings after my grampa’s death, so I grew up with little contact with aunts, uncles, cousins….It is a bitterness that has eaten my mother from the inside out & turned her into not so nice of a person sometimes. Plus, it cheated us kids out of really knowing our family. I think if she would just face the death of her parents & try to keep the good memories alive, the bad might fade away. Its been over 40 yrs, so I guess its not likely, but I keep hoping for her sake & the state of her soul. Maybe say a prayer for my mom if you find a few minutes.
A lovely testimony to a loved one of blessed memory. May your grieving be transmuted to memories of joy and gratitude.
Happy Birthday to Pap who added much love to his family and helped to add to the beauty of the Appalachian way. May the sun shine on the memories of his life! God bless!
I want to tell you first off, Miss Tipper, I’m awfully sorry about you losing your beloved and wonderful daddy!!! I don’t care if it’s been 3 days or 30 years- losing your mommy and daddy is something you just don’t ever get over in this life. Sometimes I can almost taste the bitterness of death’s sting when my stomach turns thinking about losing mommy and Bobby. It literally makes me sick to my stomach as I feel like I could drop on my knees like a melting chunk of ice. I often pray “ Lord, help me not to fall apart cause I know they are in a better place.” I call Him RIGHT ON TIME cause He never shows up til the last minute but never too late. Katie’s song is beautiful and what talent that pretty young gal has is absolutely amazing!!! I can’t say as I ever heard Colter Wall, but he’s one talented, uniquely gifted singer, isn’t he? I liked that Cowpoke song. Your daddy sure was a handsome and strong man in his youth. He and granny were a very handsome couple indeed!!! I’m sorry again, Tipper. My heart and soul go with you today. Take a piece of paper and the width laying it down is the distance between here and heaven. It’s less than a hair thickness away covered by the VEIL. I got no way to know that except the Holy Spirit told me. I believe Him no matter what.
Happy Heavenly Birthday Pap. You are still touching people today through the wonderful things you shared with your family and now Tipper is touching our hearts. Thanks Pap! God Bless Tipper and your family
Some losses we never get over, but faith helps us get through them.
Oh Tipper, he sounds wonderful, I’m so glad you have those memories. They say grief is love with no place to go…. Hugs to all of you.
What a man! What a beautiful family! I love the beautiful song with accompanying pictures of Pap and his dear ones.
Tipper, I was raised mainly by my grandparents and I miss them still, even though my grandmother, the last to go, died in 1984.
There is a song that always brings them to mind and makes me cry and it is “When You and I Were Young, Maggie.” Even
now, just typing the title brought tears to my eyes. You will always miss your dad because the ones we love leave such holes
in our hearts. It is good to remember the hope and faith that Pap inspired.
My goodness- could be that grief is contagious. Mine comes from the fact that I didn’t grow up knowing either of my grandfathers. Watching Chatter’s video brought an appreciation of what a rich heritage and legacy you and your family enjoy. Her song brought sweet tears of longing that I never felt before. Blessings!
Thank you so much Tipper. I cannot tell you how comforting this was. I have lost a lot of my family and sometimes grief just almost overwhelms me. But my faith keeps me going and I enjoy looking forward to just doing thinks I love. You are so inspirational all I can say is thank you. I have enjoyed listening to the Pressley Girls music that I went and bought a fiddle. I am so looking forward to being able to make music with it.
Thank you
“For the last good bit I’ve been amazed at how thinking about Pap no longer hurts much.”
I think that is because time has a way of healing that hurt. You also have so many wonderful memories that take the place of the hurting. Your family is so close and that is so important in the healing process. But most of all in your heart you know that you will see Pap again one day in the most glorious place because of the faith you have in our Lord Jesus. I will also look forward to meeting Pap there one day too 🙂
Hugs Tipper, you’ve shared wonderful memories of your father! Those are always important and he instilled those values into you and your family. He sounds like a wonderful man and you are so blessed to have had him as your father.
And that’s why we love you.
Tip, your post today is a fitting tribute to Pap! He is the finest man I’ve ever known, and he would be so proud of his granddaughters as well as his daughter.
You and your two brothers possess a calmness like Pap had. I notice when I am around all of you like at Christmas or Thanksgiving.
I love this post, Tipper, and I know Pap does too!
Tipper, what a wonderful tribute to your father. Sharing some of your memories of him with us allows us to come to know him in a way. Your writing brought back memories of my father. He went home to be with the Lord in 2003. I still miss him so much. Like your father, his influence continues to this day. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thank you for sharing that story. You were all so lucky to have the love of such a father and grandfather. There are so many today who have never had that. What a better world it would be if we all knew that kind of love and sense of family.
Tipper, my heart and thoughts are with you, Steve, Paul, and your Mom today. And all the rest of your family. I haven’t crossed this same valley as you have yet, and I am dreading the day I do. The thought of Paul sleeping in your Dad’s chair that first night has really grabbed my heart. My Dad has always had “his” chair in the living room as long as I can remember, too. I often think about what you have shared about that night you got called down to your parent’s. I think about the life your Dad lived. I really loved how you wrote this post, naming some of your Dad’s strong character. Your Dad has always been someone I have looked up to. The songs he gifted the world with tell of his values, and his trust in God’s Word. . I don’t think we are meant to “get over” our loved ones. They are the very fabric in our lives that shaped who we are. Their threads are so twisted with the other threads in our beings – they give us the strength that holds us together. I want to live my life as such that when I am living in Heaven, people who knew of me on earth will desire to know the same Savior who was my Hope. Your Dad’s every breath was for that very thing. His witness for Jesus continues to touch the world. Thank you for sharing him with the world through your blog. God is so good. I know you know that. Happy birthday Mr. Jerry M. Wilson!
Donna. : )